Part two: shots and cigarettes

The days and nights that followed that Sunday morning felt like time had been warped and no matter how much I want time to move faster it seemed to slow down and i felt like I would never see the day were he was merely a distant memory.

I couldn’t sleep because when I slept I would dream and they would always consist of him, I felt like a zombie I would walk around school no eating no sleeping not learning just distant re reading our texts from when we were together. I tried texting, calling, begging I reduced myself to litrally nothing but I couldn’t get him back there was no mercy given so Saturday night would roll around and when I couldn’t bear spending it alone anymore I decided to party I’d call up my best party friend Shannon and we would party we would Dance, drink, smoke and talk to boys but soon enough every night became Saturday night because partying was my escape and I needed to escape.

I couldn’t keep that up for to long because when I would drink to much I would call him or worce when he stopped answering I would find a man who looked like him not always entirely but just enough for me to feel close to him for a couple of hours and I would go home with them and wake up feeling nothing not sorry not  guilty just numb, he didn’t disappear from my life entirely he would drop in every now and then to make sure I was still a mess or at least that’s how it felt.

On my 19th birthday he agreed to take me for dinner ” just as friends ” of course, I got dressed up and waited for him to pick me up he was late but he was always late, and there they were those crippling butterflies the lump in my troat felt like a cocoon redy to hatch it subsided once I got in his car. We arrived a small local Chinese resturaunt and had a big meal with a lot of small talk I smiled and bated my eyelashes I wanted him to Kiss me I figured if he kissed me when he drops me home then he must still have feeling for me , we arrived at my house and I turned to sit infrount of him smiling and starring and then I asked for a birthday kiss he kissed me and it felt like the first time all over again I was over Welhmed by the feeling of pure joy he asked me to go home with him I was so happy and excited we spent the night together and it was perfect I felt so relieved to be with him I woke the next morning and lay in his bed after some general chit chat I then asked the second question I regret so much “so are we gonna give things another go ?” To witch he shattered my whole world for a second time by replying “this dousnt change anything”

End of part two.

Part one: The Break up

I Doubt ill ever forget that day the last day I spent as his, the wood walls in his room were woken by the sun that slipped though all the spaces between the door and window.

I rely wasn’t expecting him to end our relationship that Sunday morning after such a magical weekend it was a weekend that made me feel like finally we had a break though we could of been happy forever that weekend but it was short lived.  Before diving straight in I should mention some critical information this blog is going to be based on my first love witch ended and devastated me, the years following and even today I struggle with this loss and hope that by others reading my story they may find some comfort and hope through my story of battling with heart break, depression, self harm and reviving my soul.

I arrived at his door on Friday night I was excited to see him as some work had taken him out  of the country for the week previous. knocking at his door I was filled with the usual butterfly’s that sometimes felt so sickening id expect them to crawl up my throat and fly right out of my mouth I knew I was in trouble when I was still filled with this over whelming exciting to see him after a year and a half of being together. I stopped there waiting dressed in what I would hope make him feel that same excitement about me. Our sex life was shaky at best and I was ok with that I had accepted that a few months previous but tonight felt different the air was electric and I was praying the space would have done us good. The door opened and he smiled I stepped inside and followed him to the kitchen we discussed his trip his work his flight and how hungry he was generally our conversations were about him, I didn’t mind though watching him speak was like verbal therapy for me and every word sounded perfect. we ate and fell asleep in front of the TV.

The Saturday morning of that weekend was and still is the happiest i can ever remember myself being, waking up and just watching him work away at his desk saying nothing just watching it was pure bliss the hours that followed were just as perfect He kissed me  he was all over me so much so we were late to meet friends for a movie night but it didn’t matter, Nothing rely did in that day all I could feel was happy, I felt hopeful.

I had always heard that hope was a cruel gift I never understood that until the first Sunday morning of September 2013, This morning he wasn’t working at his desk he wasn’t in the kitchen making a 6 egg omelette like me had so many Sunday mornings before, this morning he was just laying there staring at the ceiling and then I asked a question that iv regretted asking every day for the past four years ” what’s the matter” He looked at me like I had asked him an impossible question “I’m not happy, I feel depressed I don’t think our relationship is what I should be focused on right now” in the 20 seconds it took for him to say those words my whole life changed ” But this weekend everything has been so perfect” I responded, he looked at me with desperation in his eyes I faked it I thought if at least one of us was happy our relationship was worth saving but I cant do it anymore I’m so sorry ” he begins to shed a tear I comforted him I tried to convince him we could get through this I even begged but he had his mind made up and even though he had ended things with me countless times before just like that Friday night something felt different. after refusing a lift home I stormed to the bus stop promising myself I would stay strong the entire journey home I refused to be another girl crying in public because of some unseen guy, On the bus journey home I thought about all the ways my life was about to change and for the first time I felt true fear because I rely didn’t know.

End of part one.